Pat’s Blog: The art of acceptance and dealing with a difficult boss
A few years ago, whilst working as a senior manager in the public sector, I had a new boss whom I found very difficult to work with. I had been extremely fortunate up to that point and, despite a long career, had never encountered problems with bosses before and therefore found this very upsetting. It became apparent, very quickly, that I was not alone in experiencing these difficulties and indeed found out that this boss had a reputation for upsetting her staff. Her interpersonal skills were severely lacking and in fact she was verging on being a bully.
I have to confess that I don’t think I handled the situation very well. I took her criticisms personally. I became unhappy at work and my confidence in my own ability started to diminish. Her bullying had a big effect not just on me but the rest of her senior management team and nobody was doing anything about it.
That year, when I had my appraisal, I could not hold my feelings in any longer and told her exactly what I thought of her management style. It was not a pleasant meeting and ended up with her shouting and screaming at me! Did my challenging my boss change her behaviour? Not a bit! A few years later, at a conference, I got speaking to delegates who worked for the organisation my ex-boss now worked for and nothing had changed – she was still a bully.
Recently I have been working with a coaching client who was in a similar situation. Louise (name changed) loved her job and had been happy for years when she got a new boss who was making her and her colleagues lives miserable with his bullying tactics. Louise was so upset that she had started to apply for other jobs and had come to coaching both to explore if there was anything she could do to make her current work situation any less stressful as well as seeking help with interview skills.
Working with Louise reminded me how I felt all those years ago. Since then I have learnt more about the art of acceptance, which I think is so eloquently set out in the serenity prayer as follows:
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
Neither Louise nor I were able to change our bosses’ behaviour but we were able to change how we responded and we did have a number of options.
For example:
Learn ways to better manage your boss. The secret is to ‘manage up’ without them ever realising you are doing it. So rather than think of your boss as your boss, think of them as a difficult client – one you have to figure out how to work with if you want to get ahead, even if you’d rather not.
If dealing with a micro-manager, head off your boss' requests by anticipating them and getting things done before they come to you.
Make sure to document important interactions with your boss - be it requests or criticisms - so you can refer back to them if need be.
If your boss is the type who gives you directions verbally, follow up with an email that outlines the discussion to ensure that you heard everything correctly.
If in a conflicting situation with your boss, make sure to give it some time before reacting. Perhaps talk it over with a trusted colleague before responding.